Do you find yourself worried about being apart from your partner when things get difficult in the relationship? Maybe you do the opposite and shut down emotionally and try to create space. You may have noticed you have a pattern from relationship to relationship and you might be frustrated by how difficult it is to change. These patterns are called attachment styles, and we’ll talk about how reframing this concept can help you begin to show up the way you really want to in relationships.
Attachment style is a popular topic in mental health and relationship discussions. Created by psychologist John Bowlby in the early 60’s, the theory of attachment sought to understand the development of the relationship between self and other through the child/caregiver dynamic. By observing children’s responses to being separated from their mothers, 4 general patterns were created to explain these reactions: secure attachment, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These patterns have been shown to predict how individuals will then go on to function in other significant relationships in their lives long into adulthood, in particular romantic relationships.
- Secure attachment is reflected by reacting to distress through appropriate boundary setting when needed while retaining the ability to share deeply and intimately.
- An anxious attachment style is demonstrated by reacting to distress in the relationship by trying to get close, being clingy or demanding, or enmeshing themselves with their partner.
- Avoidant attachment is reacting to distress by distancing, withdrawing emotions, shutting down communication and focusing on independence without accounting for their partner’s needs.
- A Disorganized attachment style will respond to distress in hard to predict and often contradictory ways, alternating between seeking closeness and clinging and pushing their partner away and avoiding intimacy.
We often will talk about what kind of an attachment style a person or even potential partner may have, or describe ourselves as being “anxiously attached” for example. This conception implies that, much like someone can “have” a cough, or identify as “depressed”, an attachment style is a part of you, some thing inside you that seems to have a say in how you show up in relationships. While it certainly can be helpful to understand the feelings and predispositions you may experience in a relationship, thinking of yourself as “having an attachment style” can make it feel like something you have no control over.
When we are trying to evaluate our own or other’s attachment styles we are looking at their actions, what it is they are doing when experiencing distress. An attachment style is performative, a pattern that you enact, actions that you take to make yourself feel better when things are hard. Asking to come over for the 4th day in a row when you know you or your partner need space. Saying “I’m fine” instead of “I’m worried about our relationship. Asking for reassurance that everything is okay instead of practicing trust. All are actions, behaviors that have a choice in them.
In the moment, it definitely does not feel like there is a choice. Importantly, what drives these patterns is the difficulty people have in ‘not’ taking these actions or making these choices. How we learned to get our needs met as kids was through these actions, and those basic survival skills make it feel very distressing to try and navigate problems in relationships any differently. This is why it can feel like your attachment style is something you “have”, rather than choices you’re making. But the distinction is important, and your ability to reframe attachment as a series of choices creates some wiggle room for change. While you may not be able to change the early experiences you had, you can pause instead of asking for reassurance and self soothe, you can notice the fear of vulnerability and choose to take a risk with your partner in sharing feelings. It is difficult, but that is where therapy can help. We can practice shifting into a mindset less heavily influenced by labels and instead prioritize taking responsibility for our actions in the moment. Finding out what your patterns are, and moving toward the person you truly want to be in relationships.
