In our culture, death has become increasingly taboo. A subject only saved for religious venues or hospitals, we do our best to keep ourselves separate from the only thing in our lives that is guaranteed to happen.
It makes sense; prior to the advent of modern medicine, being around the dying was not especially good for the health of a society due to the quick spread of disease; however, due to its frequency, a developing person still had a strong awareness of mortality with all of its pros and cons.
In addition, due to increased commercialization and entertainment, we are flooded with messages about doing anything we can to prevent aging and death. Life is for the young and energetic: you must strive against the sagging of skin and the graying of hair or you’ll lose your value! We’ve got the deck stacked against us when it comes to approaching the natural, inevitable process of change that comes with life and its eventual end.
Like all forms of loss, death comes with sadness for those left behind. It can create overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and grief and an impact that can last a lifetime. However, I want to provide an alternative perspective, or more accurately, remind you of a wisdom you’ve had all along but maybe haven’t tapped into in awhile. The willingness to spend time considering the end of our own lives, as well as the finitude of the lives of our loved ones, can lead to an immense experience of meaning, purpose, and connection while we’re still breathing.
Activity:
Think about it like this. Take a second and think about someone important to you, someone for whom you feel strongly about their impact in your life. Think about the connection y’all have had in the past, and recently, the memories you’ve made, and the hopes and wishes you have about your time together in the future.
Now imagine that you somehow could know that today was the last day you would get to spend with them… Before you jump to how you would spend your time that day, just get in touch with the feeling that brings up for you. The internal experience of knowing that your time is short with this loved one. Likely a powerful mix of sadness, love, and appreciation for that person, these feelings can motivate action and can bring about a significant and immediate change in how you might show up in the world.
Now, given that we can’t know for certain really how much time any of us has together, what might be one small, but meaningful action you could take toward that person today as a recognition of that connection you just felt? What might your life be like if you were to hang on to that feeling, and replicate actions like that with others in your life as well?
Its easy to generate this feeling when we consider the passing of another, but sometimes it can be difficult to turn the tables on ourselves and think about our own limited time. But again, the willingness to do so, and to keep that understanding close can yield powerful effects in how you spend your time on this planet.
Activity:
Imagine that you had the opportunity to attend your own funeral. Somehow, in some spirit-like form, you could witness the gathering of your loved ones as they took the time to mourn and celebrate your life.
Floating up in the rafters of that ceremony, take a minute to think about who you’d want there to be in attendance. Even those with whom you might have lost connection are able to be there, its up to you during this exercise. Imagine them filing in and taking their seats, getting settled before the first speaker comes up.
Pick someone important to you, a best friend or family member perhaps, someone whose opinion you trust and value. Imagine them walking up to give your eulogy. We’re going to imagine this twice.
The first time, I’d like you to imagine what they would say if your life was dominated by the struggles you experience, if your depression continued to prevent achievement, your anxiety prevented connection from those you really cared for, procrastination stopped the goals you had in life in its tracks, anger continued to drive relationships apart. Whatever your personal struggles are (we all have them), what might that person say as they considered what your life was about, what they thought of the kind of person you were, and how they felt about the time you spent in this life.
Pay close attention again to the feelings that brings up for you to hear. Imagining the things they would be saying out loud, and imagining that you could somehow know the private thoughts they might not have shared about their perception of your life if it continued to be determined by your struggles and suffering.
Now, imagine instead that you were able to live a life not controlled by the difficulties, where you took more of a decisive stance in relation to your pain, and acted according to what really mattered to you; where your values were the things that determined your behavior, not how well you could avoid struggle. Picture your loved one now beginning to tell your story, fully aware of the kind of person you were able to be, one who made their life as they wanted it to be. What would you want to hear that person say about you, about your life?
What you would want someone you care about to say at your funeral, and what you would worry they would say, have a lot to tell you about what is important to you in your life right now. How you show up in response to difficulty reflects your values, and your willingness to be the person you want to be in the face of struggle brings you closer to the kind of life you’d like to live. When we are able to do this more and more consistently, we tend to see shifts in the struggles themselves, reduced anxiety, depression, anger, grief, loneliness.
